What We Don't Hear Our Teachers Say
by fanficwriterS
Summary: What DO the teachers talk about? Year 1: Breakfast Year 2: Staff Party coming soon Year 3: Open Mike Night at the Hogshead
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: -sees angry mob heading toward Great Britain- -snorts- Ya. Right. Not her. Glad 'bout that.**_

_Table Teacher Talk_

"_Hey, Harry," Ron said out of the blue at breakfast. "What do you think they're talking about?" He gestured up to the head table._

_"Normal teacher stuff, I suspect," Harry said, taking another bite of food. "What else?"_

"Bubblegum!" shrieked Dumbledore. McGonagall looked at him blankly.

"What?"

"Bubblegum!" Dumbledore repeated. "My new password! It's a type of muggle candy that you just chew and chew and chew!"

"You know," McGonagall said, taking a long swig of beer. "I liked Headmaster Dippet more than you. HE was nicer. He always gave me wine for my birthdays when I was a student here and…"

"I don't like Harry Potter," Snape muttered, twitching afterward.

"There is nothing on the back of my head! Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing!" Quirrel said frantically, grabbing hold of his turban.

"I know Voldemort is there," Snape said and twitched. "I don't care." Twitch.

"He's not there! Not there I tell you!" Quirrel cried.

"I didn't like James Potter either." Twitch.

"You're all going to die!" shrieked Trewlany.

"I have so many pretty flowers," Sprout said dreamily. "Violets and daises and roses and-"

"Can anyone see me?" squeaked Flitwick. "Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?"

"Does anyone else hear a squeaky noise?" Sinastra asked, concerned for her sanity.

"My dear, that is the sign of death, one of the many. You're sure to die soon," Trewlany said. "Don't you like my cloak?"

"And lilies-" continued Sprout.

"Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!" Dumbledore was now bouncing in his seat.

"Your Voldemort's showing." Twitch.

"Where? Where! WHERE!"

"Just kidding." Twitch, twitch.

"_I'm sure they discuss very important things," said Hermione._

"What do you mean I'm a ghost?" Professor Binns asked Professor Vector. "I think I would have notice if I died, don't you?" Professor Vector wisely remained silent.

"I have pretty hair." Twitch.

"And petunias and chrysanthemums…"

"Does anybody have a box I can sit on?"

"What is that horrible squeak?"

"And I remember one time-" long swig.

"You don't think anyone suspects me do you?" Quirrel patted his turban.

"Dude, you're a totally white guy wearing a turban. They are so plotting against you." Twitch, twitch, twitch.

"The next person to get up is going to die!" Trewlany looked around and jumped up. "It is me! Now watch me twirl my cape!"

"And tulips and not to mention the precious mandrakes…"

"Take off your turban." Twitch. "I wanna see." Twitch, twitch.

"No! No, no, no, no, no, no!"

"I like candy, yes I do, yes I do. I like candy, yes I do."

"_I'm_ _sure their conversations are very intelligent," Hermione finished._

_"Probably," Harry said. "But I think it's best we never know."_

_"Yeah," Ron agreed, his mind already back on his food._

"Sugar!" cried Dumbledore as he jumped up and bolted out the door.

"This meeting is adjourned." Twitch.

_The End_

**_Severus: Review. (twitch)_**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Disclaimer: -holding torch, pitchfork, and cotton candy leading angry mob- Nope. Still definitely not her. Seriously, would I have killed Sirius and made Severus evil if I owned Harry Potter? No. No, no, no!_**

_Chapter 2:_

_Staff Room Party_

"Lockhart's gone- PARTY!" shouted Snape, followed by a huge twitch.

"I brought the candy!" Dumbledore shouted over the cheers of the other teachers.

"I've got the drinks," McGonagall added, holding up a case that said 'Highly Toxic'.

"I'll pass." Twitch.

"I've got the decorations!" Sprout cried. "Bleeding hearts and water lilies and-"

"We're all going to die!" Trelawny said gleefully, spinning around. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"We need entertainment!" squeaked Flitwick causing Sinastra to look around frantically for the obsessive squeaking noise.

"I feel so alive!" exclaimed Binns. Vector decided not to comment. Again.

"And sunflowers-"

"Come to me chocolate!" Dumbledore said, holding out hid hand. His eyes got freakishly wide.

"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Take one down; give it to me, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall."

"Let's dance!" Twitch.

"The first person to start dancing will die!" shrieked Trelawny who was already moving wildy about the dance floor.

"Any one want to dance with me?" asked Flitwick.

Sinastra dropped to her knees and begged, "Someone tell me you hear that squeaking too!" As usual, she was ignored.

"Death eaters throw better parties." Twitch. Dumbledore used his special sugar endowed powers to jump up on the disco ball that had magically appeared in the middle of the ceiling. Literally.

"And the wheel goes round," he sang. "Covered in candy."

"Disco, disco," Binns sang, flinging his transparent arms up and down.

"Watch me do the worm," Flitwick squeaked, flopping around on the floor.

"Why won't it stop!"

"You know," began McGonagall. "things were a lot quieter before Dumbledore went into that muggle candy shop, and Snape became paranoid and-"

"Daffodils-"

"You're going to die! You're going to die! My new hairstyle is so flowy!"

"And everyone stopped giving free samples of firewhisky!" McGonagall said, bursting into tears at the memory. At this point Dumbledore fell off the ceiling, taking the disco ball with him and landing atop Flitwick.

"G'roff mmm."

"There! There! You hear it don't you?"

"Hear what my dear woman? Oh! Left over candy corn! Mine!" He got up and dashed off, leaving Flitwick quite glued to his back by what he thought might be cotton candy.

"Get down. Get down. And move it all around." Twitch, twitch, twitch. Just then an absent minded looking Lockhart wandered in.

"Hello. Who are you? This is a nice place, do you all live here?" He was completely ignored until Snape spotted the three people who had followed him in.

"Students!" Twitch.

"Whiskey?" McGonagall offered her bottle to Harry, Ron and Ginny, causing them to inch out the door.

"Can I eat them?" Dumbledore asked, accidentally spitting out a tooth that had rotted away.

"That's all folks." Twitch.

End

_Severus: Review. (twitch)_

_McGonagall: A firewhiskey to our last reviewer. Bottoms up! I'll take it though, if you don't want it._


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: After most of the violent impulses have died down…we're still not J.K. Rowling.**

_**Karaoke Night**_

"Welcome to the Hogs Head Karaoke Night!" THE bartender's voice boomed over the microphone. "Tonight featuring the Hogwarts Teachers! We would like to take this moment to say that we here at the Hogs Head take no responsibility for any and all resulting injuries. You stay at your own discretion."

The sound of moving chairs. And suddenly everyone who wasn't a Hogwarts staff member was gone. Except for the stranger in a ratty cloak.

THE bartender was not surprised.

"Can I get more fire whiskey over here?" Minerva called.

She was ignored.

"And first tonight we have Albus Dumbledore singing some version of that annoying song by…that gay blond kid."

Albus reached the microphone. "I love candy!" Before he could go on a magical cane pulled him off the stage while the audience members grabbed their ears to stop the bleeding.

"And that was…bad."

A random tomato splattered against THE bartender's head.

"Really bad."

"Better," a disembodied voice shouted.

"And next in this excruciatingly long list of talent-less teachers if Professor Severus Snape. Snape is one of the oldest wizarding families. For now. Later that illusion will be crushed. Anyway, Professor Snape will be performing the less renown song, _I Like to Twitch It_."

Silence.

Cue spotlight.

"I like to twitch it, twitch it." Twitch. "I hate James Potter." Twitch. "I hate the Marauders." Twitch. "I like to twitch it, twitch it." Twitch, twitch, twitch.

"How does he know about the Marauders?" Remus whispered frantically. "Wait, I don't know about the Marauders. What are the Marauders?"

Awkward silence.

"That was…original."

"And now the musical stylings of Professor Minerva McGonagall!"

"Woo…no."

After stumbling up to the stage, Minerva grabbed the microphone to help stand straight and opened her mouth to sing (at which point many audience members blocked their nose because of the stink). "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety-"

"Minerva, you rum is here!"

And that was the end of that.

"Wasn't that wonderful?"

"Woo…no."

"At any rate, we welcome for the first time, Professor –mumble- Binns, singing _I Will Survive_!"

"You've got to be joking," the disembodied voice moaned.

"Unfortunately not."

Binns floated up to the stage and attempted to grab the microphone.

It didn't work.

"They should really manufacture more solid equipment," the ghost accused.

"Cue music," THE bartender sighed.

"You walked in from…" he made it all the way to, "as long as I know how to teach I know I'll stay alive," before the audience began chucking their chairs through him.

"You're all jealous," he sniffed. "And product quality really isn't what it used to be."

"…nothing can really be said."

"And now put your hands together…or whatever…for Professor Vector singing _Silent Night_."

Vector, "…"

"…all right then…moving on."

A boo from the audience.

A muted tomato.

Silence.

"And now we present, albeit a tad reluctantly on our part, Professor Sprout, singing _Ring Around the Rosy_."

"Pansies and tulips, pansies and tulips-"

"Sing the right words or get off stage."

"Ring-"

"Never mind, just get off."

A slight cheer rose from the crow. Sprout unleashed her man eating plants.

The cheer stopped.

"Uh huh…Flitwick, your turn."

The little man waddled up to the stage and pulled the microphone down to his level. Meanwhile Sinastra was looking around, wondering where this Flitwick person was.

"Hear me! Hear me!"

Sinastra jumped up and shrieked, "Do you hear the squeak?"

"Sheesh, Sinastra, if you wanted to go next all you had to do was ask."

She made her way nervously up to the stage, walking right past Flitwick and taking the microphone up.

"Um…I will be singing _The Little Voice_. So okay…" She began singing the Hilary Duff song and got to, "The squeak in my head just won't go away." Then she had a nervous breakdown. And the disembodied voice carried her away.

"And now, not standing on the stage because it will not hold his weight, Professor Rubeus Hagrid, singing _My Hippogriff_."

"I'm so tired of being here, pressed by all the court appeals. And if you have to kick, not Malfoy this time. Harry or Ron, 'cause they won't leave me alone. These charges just won't drop – Oh Buckbeak!" Hagrid sobbed, collapsing to the floor.

The bartender could only pray the roof wouldn't follow suit.

"We will now have a short intermission as the half giant- wait, we don't know that yet- is taken away."

llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

"Are you sure we won't get caught?" Ron asked dubiously.

"Of course not, we've got the cloak," Harry reasoned.

"But the Hogs Head? We shouldn't even know it exists yet- and you're not supposed to be in Hogsmeade!"

"Technicalities. Come on."

They entered the bar just in time to hear Remus getting completely into his chorus.

"Oh, oh, oh go totally crazy, forget I'm a human. No shirts, some fur. Oh, oh, oh get in the action, chase all the rabbits. Forget my potion, bite some kids. Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free, yeah to feel the way I feel! Man, I feel like a werewolf!"

"Professor Lupin!" Harry screamed in anguish. "I've lost all respect for you! And I'm scarred by the plot point I shouldn't heart yet!"

Harry ran out, trying to do a passable Daniel Radcliffe crying imitation.

It didn't work. He sounded too good.

Which left Ron standing in the door, clutching the invisibility cloak in one hand.

"You saw nothing!" And he too ran out.

"Okay," the teachers agreed.

"And so this brings us to Professor Sybil Trewlany singing…something. We think."

"You will all die, die, die," she shrieked to what sounded suspiciously like that Muggle song, _Mary Had a Little Lamb_.

And suddenly the magical cane made a reappearance.

"So this brings us to the stranger in a ratty cloak, singing _Free_."

"It's Sirius Black." Twitch.

"No, it isn't," Dumbledore disagreed, eating a handful of sugar.

"I'm free…kicking out of the prison," the stranger in a ratty cloak sang.

"It's totally Sirius Black." Twitch.

"No, it's not. It's the teacher of that really stupid subject," Dumbledore said, bouncing in his seat.

"Divination?" McGonagall offered.

"Hey!" Trewlany bristled.

"Nooo…"

"Muggle studies?" Twitch.

"That's it!" Dumbledore said cheerfully, inhaling a pixie stick.

"Yeah, I'm free," the stranger in a ratty cloak finished, taking a small bow.

"Well that was strangely normal. And so that ends Karaoke Night at the Hogshead. Don't come back, we aren't doing it again."

"Sugar!"

_**Author Notes: Review. Twitch. Bring rum! And chocolate! Buwhahahaha- candy!**_


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